feeling old

i can pinpoint the first moment i felt old.  

it's easy because it just happened.  i don't know why, but it was sort of stunning.  i've always felt young.  actually i guess i've just never felt like a "grown up".  regardless of the husband, house, job, 3 kids.... in my mind i'm still a kid myself, just playing at these adult things.  i've joked "wow, we're getting old" dozens of times, but always with disbelief. 

it started with Christmas this year.

i love christmastime. when i was younger of course it was pure, simple love.  now i find some conflict with the season.  i am critical of the hyper consumerism, i am worried about waste, i search for recyclable gift wrap,  i fret over the lessons we teach our kids surrounding christmas..... this doesn't make me unique.  it just makes me adult.  adults worry.

i'm also very busy around christmas.  i know that is true for everyone.  starting in october each year, life seems to be on fast forward until january.  on top of the usual holiday hustle from halloween-thanksgiving-christmas-new year's, we have two boys with birthdays, soccer season begins for andy, and i have my busiest months of work. 

all this work and worry made me realize why, when i was a kid, my parents didn't always seem as full of holiday cheer as i thought they should be.   and for the first time i thought "i will be glad when the holidays are over and i can relax."  quickly followed by "gasp!  did i really just think that?"  yep.  i really did.  

christmas also brings christmas shopping.  the last few years i have done almost all of my christmas shopping online but this year required a trip to the mall.  i was kind of excited, i hadn't been to a mall at christmas in forever.  i thought it would be fun to see the decorations and stroll by the stores, window shopping and sipping coffee.  

the reality was unromantic.  after fighting for a parking place, fending off vendors shoving soap at me, and deciding not to stop for coffee because the line was too long, i purchased the gift that brought me to the mall.  resuming my stroll i passed eight or ten stores pumping out electronic beats and god-awful musty smelling teenage boy cologne (see, i'm old).  leaving the mall it became clear that along with the bag full of legos swinging from my right hand, i had also acquired a craving for cinnamon rolls and a strong distaste for my entire wardrobe.  

to make this year extra busy, we chose to travel for christmas - to visit my brother's family in colorado.  awesome.  but as the first days of december ticked by i realized we were leaving december 17th and if we wanted to have a christmas tree at all, we had to get it NOW.  andy suggested we not get one, but i couldn't picture our Christmas Morning without a tree.  we planned to have our family celebration with the boys when we returned home from our trip.  and the boys and i needed a tree. 

there was no time for ceremony.  we didn't even take andy.  he had soccer practice (and is kind of a grinch at christmas anyway).  i just loaded the boys in the car and headed to the nearest garden center to grab a tree.

it took me 90 seconds to choose our tree and snap a couple of (mostly blurry) photos.  holding quinn with one hand i gave my $50 to the cashier and made a grab for the hood of asher's jacket to restrain him from swinging at greyson -  the older boys had begun arguing over who's behavior was best while we were at the garden center (seriously boys?!). i asked for help strapping the tree to the roof of my car and the child they sent to help me looked about 12.  i wrestled three boys into the car and buckled all the car seats while he hoisted the tree up and expertly tied it down.  i started wondering if i should tip him more.  until he called me "ma'am" and then i was fine with my tip. 

i got in the car happily with my kids and announced that we officially had a christmas tree!  they cheered.  "let's listen to some christmas carols" i said.  they cheered louder.  i turned the radio to the station that plays christmas songs the entire month of december - and then it happened.  this is what i heard:

"I should be playing in the winter snow, But I'mma be under the mistletoe.

Wit you, shawty wit you, Wit you, shawty wit you, Wit you, under the
Mistletoe, yeah....."

(i'm not kidding and i didn't make up the spelling, i copied it from a justin bieber lyric site.  i didn't even know this was a justin bieber song until i looked it up for this blog post.  jeez.  "i'mma be?" are there new contractions?)

it sounds silly, but that was the moment.  in a blink while i sat trying to understand the ridiculous song, i felt old.  outdated and out of style.  i wished for a classic christmas carol and thought to myself "i must be too old to listen to this radio station...  sunny 99.1." 

the moment largely passed. i don't feel all old all the time. but i do now have an opinion about justin bieber.

Quinny saying 'tree'