asher loves beer and other headaches

i packed school lunches today with more enthusiasm than usual.  i'm not typically one of those moms that jumps for joy when kids go back to school.  but yesterday gave me cause to celebrate school today.

oh, yesterday.



if i were a more talented writer i would save up this story to make it something really special later.   

yesterday was the first day back to the real world after a week off for thanksgiving. 

over thanksgiving quinn, the one year old, learned that he prefers to eat only pumpkin bread or chocolate cake at meals.  so yesterday he spent breakfast squealing and shrieking in his high chair, pointing in the direction of the kitchen counter and slapping away any food i offered until, fed up, i removed him from the high chair and sat him down on the floor.  he screamed louder.  and the screaming didn't stop all day.

at lunch time i made a sandwich for quinn and put him in his high chair (still screaming). i was finishing asher's sandwich when he stomped into the kitchen and angrily accused me: "why does quinn have lunch and i don't?!"  sigh.  "here's your's babe-"  as i said it, i swung around to place his plate on the table and asher walked a semi circle around me. we collided and i slammed my small son square in the forehead with the edge of his plate!  it is a heavy stoneware plate! full of peanut butter and 9 grain and seed bread and apple slices!  he shrieked like you cannot believe.  i sat on the kitchen floor holding him until he calmed down. when he asked i totally agreed to give him chocolate cake for lunch.

quinn was having a fit for asher's cake, so while asher finished his "lunch" i took quinn to my bathroom so i could get ready to go. i put on lip gloss, brushed my hair, and wondered if i could pass for having taken a shower. quinn was amazingly good and quiet.

we left home. i had to mail some things for work, and then volunteer at greyson's school chess club.  asher was especially unhappy with this plan and the bruise on his forehead made me sorry for him.  so i promised him a treat if he could come with me, listen, and behave.  too bad i cannot bribe quinn yet.  he wailed non stop in the car.

we mailed my things successfully. both boys were amazingly good and quiet.

greyson was happy to see us at chess club.  but volunteering at chess club was a waste of time.  for 45 minutes i watched elementary chess and tried to keep quinn quiet, from grabbing chess pieces, or running for the door.  we left early because quinn would not quit-it with all the fussing.

we made it to the store.  we needed toilet paper and bananas - i thought quinn would eat bananas.  inside the store, asher chose gummy bears as his treat and i got quinn an apple juice box, hoping against hope that it would shush him for 5 minutes.

and then i found out why asher was so good at the mail store.  asher stole a key.  he stole a spider man key from a display of decorative house keys.  he was holding it like a treasure, turning it over and over in one hand, clutching his gummy bear reward for good behavior in the other.

horrified, i knealt down to look asher seriously in the eye while i lectured him about stealing.  of course i failed to notice that quinn, strapped into the child seat of the grocery cart,  had turned over his juice box and squeezed out every single drop of juice.  the juice poured down into my bag which was sitting open in the cart directly under quinn.  that bag was just about the only nice thing i own.  i had treated myself to it during my pregnancy with quinn, picturing how hip and together i was going to look carrying my cute baby and my awesome bag.

we had made it this far.  we were getting toilet paper, dammit.  as the boys fought over the gummy bears we passed an end cap of $5 red wine.  i grabbed a bottle, wishing the starbucks in the store sold wine by the glass, not just coffee.

asher said "what's that?"  i said "it's wine."  he said "what's wine?"  i said "it's a drink for grown ups."  greyson said "it's like beer."  and asher loudly pronounced "oh! wine is like beer? great! I LOVE BEER!"

i ignored the look from the mom with all the makeup pushing her one little toddler girl with perfect pigtails and sparkly shoes.  i got the toilet paper.  we managed to check out with quinn screaming and greyson begging for hot wheels cars.  when we got to our car i realized i forgot to pay for the gummy bears.  i'm such a hypocrit.  don't tell asher.

as i pulled into our empty driveway i remembered that andy was staying late at school.  what was i going to do now?  trying to drown out quinn's crying, i turned up the pearl jam cd and for a moment i considered leaving the kids strapped in their car seats just to get a second of quiet.  really, they couldn't hurt each other or themselves....  i snapped out of it and helped all the boys out of the car and inside.

i started dinner, listening to greyson complain that he "hates salad." andy made it home and i left him to try to get quinn to eat something green so i could finally use the restroom.  and then i found out why quinn was so good while i was getting ready.  lifting the lid of my toilet, soaking in the toilet water, i found a pair of socks, several hair ties, a lipstick, and my pajamas.

i closed the lid.  i excused myself from dinner for a book, a bubble bath, and a glass of wine.  (asher only came in twice to use the potty.)